Aries: You gonna live up to you sign. Too much wine at the Pastor’s house, you decide to slide down the bannister like when you was a kid. Only now you slide so fast you gonna ram that endpost uppa you ass. The visitors will die of shock at you writhing about, obviously enjoying it.

Aquarius: The Age of Aquarius is over, bud. Is Age of Anonymous now, you gonna go to bank an teller she tell you computer sez you don’t exist. Manager know you your whole life even wrote new mortgage last week look at computer and turn into brain dead public employee. Yo no exist. He don’t know you. Sorry. But someone know you exist – Canada Revenue. Dey find hacker moved your RRSP to Cook Islands and charge you with money laundering. Have-a lots of fun, bud proving you innocence.

Virgo: Sign of people who buy lots of hand lotion and AA batteries. You 47 soon an still not be with a woman/man. Whassa madda fo you? You sick or sumptin? Thinka you too good for anyone, eh? Ged owda here I no wanna see you face you loser.

Leo: Supposed to be brave like lion, you too chickenshit to tell her you like her. You gonna be at home slammin’ the ham until you forty-five iffa you don’t getta you shit together. Eh, you wanna be pullin’ you pud likea you sixteen alla the time?

Taurus: Yeah sign of de bull. You fulla shit, that’s for sure, you only think you want some smooth shaved metrosexual fag with lotsa money. Real men, dey gotsa hair onna dare chest, even on dare ass. Day armpits stink anna day fart when you going down on dem. Getta used to it you stuck up bitch.

Capricorn: Dassa right, corn. Was good enuff fora you Gramma, is time you tried it. Too hell wit G-Vibes and Hammerheads and costly batteries, iss nice anna bumpy and you controlla the pace and angle. Take it from me, Mme Rosa, issa way better than anything else. Anna bess part is after you done, you can boil it up and smile while while you watch him eat it!

Sagittarius: More like saggy-tarius for you. As a you age, you skin gets all wrinkly and stretched. Hangs in big folds like wattles on a pig from a you chin, you cheeks, you bum. Gets so floppy one day you step onna you loose skin and trip, fall in front of a bus.

Pisces: You friends take you to Japanese dinner, dare you to eat whole raw fish. The fish gonna wake up inna you mouth and flare out all it’s poison spines anna you choke to death right there on the restaurant floor pissing yourself in agonizing pain while all the other patrons stream it live on their phones. A server calls 911 long after you’re all dead and purple and swollen.

Scorpio: You doctor give a you that cream for the boil onna you bum. All it does is agonize what’s inside so it bursts out easier. You sit down for you job interview and it bursts, thousands of pus beetles pour out, downa you leg and across the office carpet. People are screaming and running…..

Gemini: You had no idea you were a conjoined twin. You wake up and look in the mirror, that pimple on you shoulder is starting to develop arms, legs, a head!

Leo: You will have a sudden reaction to Big Mac sauce that partially destroys your brain and nervous system that leaves you paralyzed and unable to speak. Your asshole husband parks your wheelchair in a corner of the bedroom and all you can do is drool while he plants the salami inna you sister.

Cancer: of the sphincter. I will spare you the messy details….

Libra: While on a Cuban vacation you become the latest Bride Of Fidel. Your first thought that communists don’t seem to use deodorant is shattered when you return home and are informed Fidel’s been dead for over a decade.