73 Year Old Man Finally Gets Full-time Job
Charles, Prince of Wales had finally found full time employment with the passing of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. He will no longer just travel about the world smiling and waving to crowds but now that he is King Charles III must smile and wave full time but also need to greet and entertain foreign officials and sign various pieces of paper handed to him by UK Prime Ministers and Governor Generals of some Commonwealth Nations.
Doctors say his health is up to this massive increase in work load and other say it may make him relate more to the everyday drudgery faced by the common people under his reign.
He may even defer to Canada for a list of things to apologize for, even though he is in no way responsible, a task his mother the Queen was asked to apologize for even as she spent her whole reign ending many of those things. You know, the Sins of the Father and all that.
Anti-monarchists can take small joy in that it is very, very unlikely they will suffer under his reign for seventy years.
15 Yr Old Builds Hydro Dam to Power His Newest Video Card
Fifteen yeard old Harold Sneed from Anus, Alberta used a GoFundMe campaign to raise enough capital to build a hydro dam on a local creek to power his new nVidia 30800x super video card in his gaming computer.
At the rate donations from other basement dwellers are pouring in, he may raise enough to purchase a new mobile home sized computer case to house the 2.5 Megawatt Thermaltook power supply to run it.
The graphics card is capable of outputting a resolution approximately three times that of the new James Webb Space Telescope at over 360 frames per second. Processors and memory chips are cooled with liquid helium at 4 degrees Kelvin and a heat sink made from metallic Hydrogen disperses it evenly.
Harold is extremely excited as he looks ahead to playing Roblox soon on his new machine.
Texas Court Rules Pregnant 9 Year Old Must Bring Alien To Term
If she was impregnated by an alien, that is God’s Will and a pre-born baby is a life, says Supreme Court Judge Luther P. Butticks R.
Parents entered the bedroom of their daughter Louly Smithson to discover an alien face-hugger wrapped about her and doctors confirmed she was impregnated and in less than two weeks she will explode as an a pre metamorphic baby alien bursts from her chest.
Visiting scientists from the future claim the alien could be removed from the 9 year old’s body using their experimental transporter beam, but were prevented from doing so by a court injunction filed by the Church of Infinite Misery in her home town. (cont’d on Pg 37)
American Dog Bites Man Story:
19 children and two adults were killed in a shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas. Authorities say the teenage gunman obtained his weapons legally and had a constitutional right to own them, end of story.
Meanwhile Republicans said once again that now is not the time to discuss gun control, they will only accept gun bans when Donald Trump is giving a speech. They all offered their thoughts and prayers to whatever demonic entity they worship.
Amid criticism that police only entered the school after an extremely long delay in which the shootings continued, they performed their usual public ritual of lining up shoulder to shoulder and congratulating each other for having followed procedure so well.
In the US Senate a motion to do nothing at all as per usual, was soundly defeated as a Democrat had proposed it. Republicans congratulated each other on filibustering a motion that school shootings should be discussed.
Human beings who live elsewhere in the real world propose that American familes should pack up and move somewhere safer, like Mariupol, Somalia or Yemen.
Russian Warship Can Turn Into Submarine
The Kremlin revealed that their newest warships can turn into submarines to run from attackers. Recently the Moskva had to perform an emergency dive and leave Ukraine to resupply with cabbage and vodka. Ukrainian hackers have been circulating faked pictures online claiming that their missiles sank the warship – con’t on Pg 39
High Gas Prices? Now you can convert your car to run on water!
For years we’ve all heard tales of how supposed inventors have created cars that run on just water. But a new startup, Holy Green Ind. has designed and is marketing a device that makes fuel for your car from municipal tap water.
CEO Dr. Smedley Freid says they can offer you a home station you can install in your yard that only requires a water and electrical connection that will produce pure hydrogen that can run your car or truck instead of gasoline. The unit which is only the size of a small crew bunk trailer is only $438,999.00 and fills 20lb propane bottles in only a matter of days. This does not include the price of converting your vehicle to run on hydrogen (a conversion kit from Susannah Freid LLC is available for only $7299), municipal permits or the 24 hr standby Fire Brigade.
Savings, calculated at a gasoline price of $2.339 per litre would amount to $11.85 over 300 years.
Dr. Friend is also working on a new home fuel solution with much better returns that can catalytic crack beluga whale oil into usable bio-fuel in your own garden shed. Fried has been offered an Honorary seat on the Conservative Party of Canada’s Environmental Advisory board.
Plague Rats Vol II and III
In an effort to gain support from Grannies, churchgoers, liberals and law abiding citizens, the Freedumb Riders organized a rally of bikers to descend on Ottawa.
The most surprising thing was they were far better behaved than the truckers convoy. Look forward to the next brainfart when they will call upon drug gangs and hitmen to rally against mandates.
Speaking of that, why do they want to abolish man dates when they all want to F*** Trudeau? Isn’t that hypocritical?
Plague Rats Descend on Ottawa
The Fool O’Toole meets rats to defend their freedumb to spread disease
An unruly horde of plague rats has overwhelmed Ottawa causing the security service to relocate the PM as unlike some Opposition members they feel tongue kissing disease rats is not a logical choice.
Spokesrats for the horde say they are protecting their freedom to present childish ultimatums, spread disease and deny logic and reality
cont’d Pg 19 Rats
Vaccine Fails: Ohmigod Variant Can Turn You Into Quivering Blob of Jelly
Researchers in Geneva warn that only patented vaccines made in the USA by giant pharma BrandName company are safe and others can potentially have disastrous side effects. Generic knockoffs and treatments made in Russia, China and India have resulted in children being born with the head of a donkey, patients growing antennae from their foreheads and sixth fingers and worse.
BrandName Pharma also warns that all other brands of medical masks are made from recycled toilet paper fished from the Ganges River downstream from the Fukushima reactor while it’s own masks contain certified MyPillow fluff.
cont’d Pg 11 Omigod
Justin Apologizes For Being Born
After apologizing for everything else in the world, including the fact your pancakes didn’t rise properly. Justin Trudeau apologized today for even being born. Hopefully this is the last apology well hear…. see Page 126
New Tax Clarity Act Jan. 1st
The new act will clarify exactly how YOUR tax dollars are spent.
Bill C987 comes into effect Jan. 1, 2022 along with a new website and phone app that allows you to find out exactly how your personal tax dollars were spent by the Federal Government.
Bowing to the wishes of so many voters convinced that somehow the tax money deducted from their paycheques is still theirs, the gov’t has bowed to those wishes and will release detailed, itemized lists of who’s tax dollars paid for what.
A trial sample was released revealing the exact cost of the fuel for the PMs trip to COP26 in Glasgow from the G20 in Rome was paid for by:
Mrs. G.L. Ogglemeyer – 100% (of all federal tax deducted)
A.N. Weaselgutz – 100%
P.V. Seapiping – 100%
The entire town of Anuselbow Sask. -100%
Mrs. Phyllis P. Naggie -100%
J.P. Miller -$123.43 of tax deduction, the rest spent on cat food for Trudeau’s family pet Nov.2-7th. 2021
– SIN numbers left out due to Federal Privacy Act of 1992-
Controversy has already erupted as Mr. Seapiping does not ‘believe’ in air travel (he is afraid of flying) and claims he should not have to pay for it. Nor for abortions, drug clinics, public art works or housing for the homeless. “I want MY money to go entirely into shoe polish for members of the Armed Forces, I remember having to buy my own when I served in Korea and it was outrageous at black market prices!”
The Province of PEI is also considering following the whiney baby attitude of Mr Kenney that the federal tax money deducted from the cheques of Albertans belongs to the Province, not the Feds, perhaps so the Premiers can be bitched at by libertarian-republican tightwads with only the vaguest understanding how gov’t works and is funded.
The town of Cornhole Ont. is filing in Supreme Court to claim the money deducted from citizens of the town belongs to the town itself not the Feds or the Province. “We need money for a sewage treatment plant, we’ve been dumping shit, piss and old tampons in the well for years and one day they’ll find out. Better to build the plant sooner rather than raising a fuss and making Ottawa fly in bottled drinking water when it all comes out!”
Well in advance of the Act, the gov’t has announced the all the tax dollars collected from the residents who live between the blocks bounded by 4200-4400 W 64th St and 1200-1900 109 Ave in Surrey will provided the 2022 Bluchen-Waswald Award for the best artwork painting by an LGBTQ minority non-English speaker in a wheelchair.