On TV Tonight:

6:00 PM The National All the news, local and international information that you really didn’t want to hear about

7:00 PM Ice Road Fuckers Destroying ice roads and ice bridges with huge vehicles so that locals can’t get to their Doctor’s appointment

8:00 PM Lost Gold of the Ancient Pharaohs after six seasons it’s still lost. Otherwise we’d have named the show Found Gold of the Ancient Pharaohs, wouldn’t we?

9:00 PM Smooth Brain Theory Don’t worry there’s an obnoxiously loud laugh track so you can pretend you actually understood what was supposed to be funny

9:30 PM Wheel of Misfortune Contestants are tied to a spiked wheel and spun around as they try to guess letters in a well known phrase

10:00 PM No Survivor deplorable celebrities are marooned on an island covered with lethal booby traps. This week they battle with sticks to win a First Aid kit.

11:00 PM The National exactly the same as the 6:00 edition as everyone in the world’s sat on their ass watching stupid TV just like you did the last five hours.

12:00 AM Movie of the Night some old 1970s 90 minute B movie stretched to two and a half hours with lengthy thirteen minute commercial breaks.

2:30 AM Go To Bed Already An AI talking head comprised of the features of all your favourite celebs urges you to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow with a real life

Tomorrow’s Pick

9:00 PM FBI NATIONAL the Agents must choose between heavy fines, jail time or immediate deportation back to the USA when they discover Canada’s founders made a spelling mistake and the right to bare arms only applies to short sleeved shirts.