Hi my name is Juanita Pigg, your food editor. When I’m not eating out at the Y I like to share my food related experiences with others. You won’t see too many reviews of those places that give you a loonie sized piece of steak with a teaspoon of sauce for $100 and want $20 extra for some weirdly named plants they ripped out of the front lawn, hosed off with vinegar and call a salad. Enjoy!
Mongol Style Grill
Fill your plate with whatever selection and amount of meat and veggies as you want and squirt whatever sauce you want from the selection of plastic Dollar Store ketchup bottles. Don’t worry, 9/10ths of the bottles are Teriyaki so you won’t have to actually taste something. Then stand in line to hand the cook your dish he’ll cook on top of a stone grill where everyone else’s food was cooked. Carry it back to your table while trying not to think about how you’ve done all the work and stupidly paid extra for it.
Enjoy your plate of everything-tastes-the-same knowing you got to pile as much as you gluttonously wanted while enjoying the hospital style decor and all the ambience of a People’s Liberation Army mess hall.
A Piggy-boy’s paradise for only $25. You can ponder the question why all the guys wearing shorts when it’s snowing outside are as fat as you while you eat.
Enjoy a small bastardized attempt of a pizza for only $35 while trying not to choke on chunks of green pepper the size of a house, gag on the Dollar Store sauce and gooey Korporate America cheese and phony baloney used to skirt import duties. Just add one shake of pepper and it’s salami, two for pepperoni, three for capicolli. Every selection comes with pineapple, green pepper and onions, $2 extra to leave any of them off. Thankfully anchovies or shrimp are verboten as they might make the pie vaguely palatable.
Just accept it for what it is, even if you’d popped the earbud out of the server’s ear they would’ve got your order completely wrong anyway. Next time try a $4 frozen Dr Oinkers from the supermarket and use the difference to score a case of brew.
Brown Social Disease
That’s about it. Blaring TV sports from more large screens than customers. Severely overpriced pub food for millenials who think chicken wings are haute cuisine. $18 burgers that leave you wishing you’d gone to Mickey D’s instead.
Ronny McD’s: so you’ve all seen the ask us anything ads by now. Go ahead and ask! Here’s a list of the true answers to those questions:
Melanie (Age 9, Philadelphia): My Mom showed me a food guide that says McNuggets are made from 100% pure chicken white meat.
Ronny: Well she’s partly correct. They’re made mostly from meat. At our Nugget facility near the Jet Propulsion Lab workers tie mylar collector bags behind the engine being tested. Seagulls, robins, sparrows and the odd escaped budgie sucked into the engines are 100% blended and perfectly cooked. All we have to do is empty the bags into extruder machines that form it into nice little shapes, coat it with bread crumbs and freeze it for shipment.
Oh Just Can’t Wait To Eat Here:
Chinese and Western Food: You see this franchise everywhere, in my little town there’s three – Bill’s, Blue Pearl, The Orient. Yours might be Drag’em Inn or Slops. Who knows for some reason they let them put their name on top and Chinese and Western Food underneath. You’ll know it’s the same franchise when you taste the food.
I recommend the Sweet & Sour Boneless Pork if you’re feeling adventurous like most whitebread Americans or Englishmen who think putting salt on a boiled potato is high cuisine. If you can get over the shiny sauce that looks like bloody snot, the ubiquitous ball of fried dough and appreciate the cube of pork cut so cheap they’re not allowed to sell it in a grocery store you will appreciate the experience.
And what dinner is complete without Egg Rolls, dipped over and over in greasy dough until they’re the size of a WWII hand grenade and have the same effect on your intestines.
WonTon Soup: is normally served at room temperature after 5 pm, a classic mix of water, the cook’s cigarette ash, dough wrapped cat brains, a shrimp, three mushrooms and a brocolli stem. The soup is so delicate it sometimes even has a flavour.
Taco Del Merde
This uniquely Canadian take even offers spicy styles of poutine and a design your own taco counter. Choose your veggies, cheeses, choose your meat filling. Will that be chicken, pork or beef? What the hell’s the difference, it all looks like it leaked out the edge of some child’s diaper!
This blend of America’s Top Hat and Underpants cuisine offers the worst of both worlds.