Hi my name is Juanita Pigg, your food editor. When I’m not eating out at the Y I like to share my food related experiences with others. You won’t see too many reviews of those places that give you a loonie sized piece of steak with a teaspoon of sauce for $100 and want $20 extra for some weirdly named plants they ripped out of the front lawn, hosed off with vinegar and call a salad. Enjoy!
Mongol Style Grill
Fill your plate with whatever selection and amount of meat and veggies as you want and squirt whatever mystery sauce you want from your choice of gooey plastic Dollar Store ketchup bottles. Don’t worry, 9/10ths of them are Peasant’s Choice Bulk Teriyaki so you won’t have to actually taste anything. With the all you can eat tasteless dog dish format the place should be renamed the Mongrel Style Grill. Gobble! Gobble!
Then stand in line to hand the cook your dish he’ll cook on a stone grill where someone else’s coughed on food was cooked. Carry it back to your table while trying not to think about how you’ve stupidly paid extra to do all the staff’s work yourself.
Enjoy your plate of everything-tastes-the-same while you peruse the hospital style decor and all the dining ambience of a People’s Liberation Army mess hall.
A Piggy-boy’s paradise for only $25. You can ponder the question of why all the guys around you wearing shorts when it’s snowing outside are as fat as you are.
Smalltown Pizza
Enjoy a tiny bastardized attempt of a pizza for only $35 while trying not to choke on green pepper and onions quickly chopped to the size of your fist, gag on the Dollar Store cannes sauce and gooey Korporate America mozza and phony baloney sausage used to skirt import duties. Just add one shake of pepper and it’s salami, two for pepperoni, three for capicolli.
Toppings include anything except what real Italians would eat.
Ask for anchovies just to see the face of the pimply kid taking your order twist into s knot. They don’t like them, so they don’t offer them. You’re just the customer, know your place!
Just accept it for what it is, even if you’d popped the earbud out of the server’s ear they would’ve got your order completely wrong anyway. At least you can extract your revenge by calling in and order for 50 pizzas to a fake address as they haven’t even caught up to 1990 and wrote down the number on the call display oor asked your Visa number when they took the order.
Brown’s Social Disease
That’s about it. Blaring TV sports from more large screens than customers. Severely overpriced pub food for millennials who think chicken wings and $20 burgers are haute cuisine.
Ronny McD’s
OMG you’ve eaten here since you were two, nothing’s new, nothing’s any better you memorized the menu and the jingles since you were five years old. You actually expected a serious review? You must be one of those total morons that get all the way to the front of the line and then look at the menu to decide.
Oh We Just Can’t Wait To Eat Here:
Chinese and Western Food: You see this franchise everywhere, in my little town there’s three – Bill’s, Blue Pearl, The Orient. Yours might be Drag’em Inn or Slops. Who knows for some reason they let them put their name on top and Chinese and Western Food underneath. You’ll know it’s the same franchise when you taste the food.
I recommend the Sweet & Sour Boneless Pork if you’re feeling adventurous like most whitebread Americans or Englishmen who think putting salt on a boiled potato is high cuisine. If you can get over the shiny sauce that looks like bloody snot, the ubiquitous ball of fried dough and appreciate the cuts of pork cut they’re not allowed to sell in a grocery store you will appreciate the experience.
And what dinner is complete without Egg Rolls, dipped over and over in greasy dough until they’re the size of a WWII hand grenade and have the same effect on your intestines.
WonTon Soup: is normally served at room temperature after 5 pm, a classic mix of water, the cook’s cigarette ash, dough wrapped cat brains, if you’re lucky a shrimp, three mushrooms and a broccoli stem. The soup is so delicate it sometimes even has a taste to it.
Or try the “Western” that’s usually a frozen Hungry Man dinner reheated and piled onto a plate so you don’t know.
Taco Del Merde
This uniquely Canadian take even offers spicy styles of poutine and a design your own taco counter. Choose your veggies, cheeses, choose your meat filling. Will that be chicken, pork or beef? What the hell’s the difference, it all looks like it leaked out the edge of a diaper!
This blend of America’s Top Hat and Underpants cuisine offers the worst of both worlds.
Smalltown Takeout
Greasy half cooked fries and your choice of burger made with Dumpsters brand stale bun and the cheapest frozen burger patty from the closet supermarket.
Opt for the House Burger where they hand make a deformed lump of regular ground beef and stuff it with huge chunks of half-cooked onion like Momma taught them to. The cook is unaware that everyone loathed their Mom’s burgers, that’s why we threw temper tantrums to go to Ronald’s. Never expect them add any spice that distinguishes their burger from the other Mom & Pop early onset dementia’s takeout shop down the block.
A & Rubberchew
A&Rubberchew actually love their burgers and Root Beer, however this is one of those new so called “woke” franchises that ‘just don’t get it’ and specializes in grass fed, hormone and antibiotic free meat, vegan patties and paper straws that serves drinks in plastic cups with plastic lids and ketchup in single serve plastic packets that take 3,000 years to decompose.
Rumours abound that the Burger Family will soon add an Aunty Burger. so massive it reminds us of that 700 lb. relative we all have.
KFC
Fading to obscurity facing the onslaught of rival chicken franchises, this historic seller of pigeon sized drumsticks and 11 secret spices (9 of which are grease) continues to exist. Every few years the childhood memories of the taste of KFC forces me back, only to be greatly disappointed.
Timmie’s
The Great Canadian Icon, Americanized to now serve really bland coffee and half cooked donuts. Still popular as a Double Double, now served at 200 degrees C is so hot and sweet you couldn’t taste the difference from toilet water. TimBits remain popular as they’re small enough to cook through after being made in some unknown warehouse and shipped frozen.
I like to ponder if the horde of 300 temporary foreign workers behind the counter is the reason every single order is FUBAR as none speak the same language, let alone English.