The West Coast Fliar

Hi my name is Juanita Pigg, your food editor. When I’m not eating out at the Y, I like to share my food related experiences with others. You won’t see too many reviews of those places that give you a loonie sized piece of steak with a teaspoon of sauce for $100 and want $20 extra for some weirdly named plants they ripped out of the front lawn, hosed off with vinegar and call a salad. Enjoy!

Mongol Style Grill

Fill your plate with whatever selection and amount of meat and veggies as you want and squirt whatever mystery sauce you want from your choice of gooey plastic Dollar Store ketchup bottles. Don’t worry, 9/10ths of them are Peasant’s Choice Bulk Teriyaki so you won’t have to actually taste anything. With the all you can eat tasteless dog dish format the place should be renamed the Mongrel Style Grill. Gobble! Gobble!

Then stand in line to hand the cook your dish he’ll cook on a stone grill where someone else’s coughed on food was cooked. Carry it back to your table while trying not to think about how you’ve stupidly paid extra to do all the staff’s work yourself.

Enjoy your plate of everything-tastes-the-same while you peruse the hospital style decor and all the dining ambience of a People’s Liberation Army mess hall.

A Piggy-boy’s paradise for only $25. You can ponder the question of why all the guys around you wearing shorts when it’s snowing outside are as fat as you are.

Smalltown Pizza

Enjoy a tiny bastardized attempt of a pizza for only $35 while trying not to choke on green pepper and onions quickly chopped to the size of your fist, gag on the Dollar Store cannes sauce and gooey Korporate America mozza and phony baloney sausage used to skirt import duties. Just add one shake of pepper and it’s salami, two for pepperoni, three for capicolli.

Toppings include anything except what real Italians would eat.
Ask for anchovies just to see the face of the pimply kid taking your order twist into s knot. They don’t like them, so they don’t offer them. You’re just the customer, know your place!

Just accept it for what it is, even if you’d popped the earbud out of the server’s ear they would’ve got your order completely wrong anyway. At least you can extract your revenge by calling in and order for 50 pizzas to a fake address as they haven’t even caught up to 1990 and wrote down the number on the call display oor asked your Visa number when they took the order.

Ahyee-Yah Chinese & Western Diner

Enjoy a retro style dinner seated at premoulded 1959 nooks built uncomfortable enough to prevent customers from sitting gabbing all day over one cup of coffee and drunks from falling asleep. The retro decor comes complete with many interesting stains on the wall and carpet and checkered tablecloths unchanged and unwashed since the Grand Opening. Enjoy the ambient music of the old Mama screaming at her husband doing the cooking in a mix of Cantonese, Mandarin and Pidgin English. Rare mini adventures can be had if he leaves too many peppers in a hot wok and the restaurant is flooded with pepper gas and must be evacuated long enough for your dinner to fully congeal.

The menu offers the usual selections of Chicken Pto-Mien, Sweet&Sweet Pork, and frozen Costco mini-egg rolls repeatedly dipped in batter until they’re the size of WW2 German hand grenades. The Chef’s Special Chop Guey include a few snippets of various sandwich meat slices and a few drops of Dark Soy Sauce to make it look like it’s worth the extra $5.00.

Friday and Saturday there is a six choice smorg, one of which is Frozen dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets with V&H plum sauce. Watery HalfTon Soup is available at the smorg if you’re lucky enough to find a clean bowl or spoon to try it. Just as fitting, the Chow Mien is nothing but clotted noodles with a Welfare Family sandwich chicken slice diced into it. The smorg is always filled with truckers committed to eating where you get big portions, not edible fare.

For those daring enough to try the Western offerings they do try to keep complete meal offerings down to a low $25 plate, a former server tells us by reheating Peasant’s Choice frozen dinners instead of Brand name ones in the microwave and transferring it onto a real plate.Residents of small towns where there can be two or three of these restaurants benefit by having a choice of where they can boost their immune systems. Long time residents report they can steal breakfast from a jackal and consume it safely.

Brown’s Social Disease

That’s about it. Blaring TV sports from more large screens than customers. Severely overpriced pub food for millennials who think chicken wings and $20 burgers are haute cuisine.

Ronny McD’s

OMG you’ve eaten here since you were two, nothing’s new, nothing’s any better you memorized the menu and the jingles since you were five years old. You actually expected a serious review? You must be one of those total morons that get all the way to the front of the line and then look at the menu to decide.

This uniquely Canadian take even offers spicy styles of poutine and a design your own taco counter. Choose your veggies, cheeses, choose your meat filling. Will that be chicken, pork or beef? What the hell’s the difference, it all looks like it leaked out the edge of a diaper!
This blend of America’s Top Hat and Underpants cuisine offers the worst of both worlds.

Smalltown Takeout

Greasy half cooked fries and your choice of burger made with Dumpsters brand stale bun and the cheapest frozen burger patty from the closet supermarket.
Opt for the House Burger where they hand make a deformed lump of regular ground beef and stuff it with huge chunks of half-cooked onion like Momma taught them to. The cook is unaware that everyone loathed their Mom’s burgers, that’s why we threw temper tantrums to go to Ronald’s. Never expect them add any spice that distinguishes their burger from the other Mom & Pop early onset dementia’s takeout shop down the block.

A & Rubberchew

A&Rubberchew actually love their burgers and Root Beer, however this is one of those new so called “woke” franchises that ‘just don’t get it’ and specializes in grass fed, hormone and antibiotic free meat, vegan patties and paper straws that serves drinks in plastic cups with plastic lids and ketchup in single serve plastic packets that take 3,000 years to decompose.
Rumours abound that the Burger Family will soon add an Aunty Burger. so massive it reminds us of that 700 lb. relative we all have.

KFC

Fading to obscurity facing the onslaught of rival chicken franchises, this historic seller of pigeon sized drumsticks and 11 secret spices (9 of which are grease) continues to exist. Every few years the childhood memories of the taste of KFC forces me back, only to be greatly disappointed.

Timmie’s

The Great Canadian Icon, Americanized to now serve really bland coffee and half cooked donuts. Still popular as a Double Double, now served at 200 degrees C is so hot and sweet you couldn’t taste the difference from toilet water. TimBits remain popular as they’re small enough to cook through after being made in some unknown warehouse and shipped frozen.
I like to ponder if the horde of 300 temporary foreign workers behind the counter is the reason every single order is FUBAR as none speak the same language, let alone English.