Marketing Ideas That Didn’t Quite Work #383

ZOMBEE sandwich spread’s creepy 50s girl tests brains_on_toast.
Aiming at the funda-MENTAL-ist market

What are Phlegumes?
Derived from legumes, or commonly known as veggies.

Phlegumes are vegetables cooked the way your Mom used to make them, boiled in an aluminum pot so goddamn long they were the consistency of snot.

Galactic Travel Blog

Recently a lutonium leak on our cruise ship forced to make a temporary stop for repairs at the Kingdom of Putzonia, a minor planet in the Znargh cluster that I hadn’t visited in ten years. Oddly, the only reason I was there the first time was when I was covering the Galactic Conference and our ship was delayed for minor repairs while picking up the Putzian corespondent.
At that time, King Bozoid III was facing a huge economic problem, having conquered the entire planet, stuck with a huge standing army he no longer needed and all treasures plundered and in his personal treasury there was no economy to speak of. Cruel, brutal and taher simple-minded Bozoid came up with a rather unique solution.
Before we get into that, let me describe the mindset of the Putzonian people. Ruled by Kings and Emperors for thousands of years they are a basically feudal and fiercely loyal society. And did I mention simple-minded? The favorite game of the Bozoid line of royalty and it’s subjects was the simple card game of Solitaire. So much so, there are no other sports to speak of.
After his final victory, about one year before I had arrived there the first time the King decided that he would create an economy and reduce his army with this simple game. A grand tournament at the top of 8,000m Razorside Mountain was held in a newly constructed stadium.
One by one soldiers were forced to play a hand of solitaire before the gathered crowd. If they won , they were rewarded with an amount the equivalent of a years salary for every point they scored above what the King had set as “par” and dismissed from the army. If they won by over 25 points the amount was doubled in what became known as “the King’s penny” by the audience. Should the player not make par, he was returned to the Army.
Shockingly to off-worlders, if the player lost the hand, they were pitched over the wall and slid down miles of razor sharp rocks where their remains er picked over by crows. By the time I first attended this event, the bones and rotted flesh covered up to the 2,000m level. When I asked my hosts at the time how the people put up with such cruelty, I was met with open mouthed astonishment. The King “said”… “those were the rules”… “was i some sort of liberal regressive”… “shut up or you’ll be next”… etc. Questioning the King was completely unheard of and an alien concept to these people.
Things had changed upon my latest visit, though not much for the better. I learned the size of the Army had been cut by over 5,000,000 men. About 3.5 million to the crows. King Bozoid III had died in his sleep of Terminal Flatulence and his heir Blupon II had ascended to the throne.
Blupon was not only simple-minded, he was actually mentally challenged and a mutant to boot. With one seal like flipper, he presided over Round Two of the Games while slobbering, drooling and talking with a lisp due to a tongue the size of a small dog.
Round Two now consisted of basically the same rules, but consisted of those left from Round One and those who volunteered. Death for those who lost their hand was not mandatory, it was now a program to distribute wealth and weed out the “stupid” from Blupon’s remaining army. If a player made the slightest mistake during play, sharp eyed spectators would rise in their seat and point at him, screaming “DUHHHH!!!” at the top of their lungs. The King would then stand and acknowledge the duh, and after a second duh the king had the discretion to make it a “Death Game” where the player was shot in the back of the head or garroted should they lose.
Blupon is known to be inattentive and let things slide, often a third duh is required. Realize the immense pressure on a player to not make any mistakes with 35,000 people pointing at you and screaming “Duh”, “Fool”, “Kill Him” at the top of their lungs!
At the time of my latest visit, Blupon had been ill with an infection from self-gratification with his flipper hand and the crowd had taken it to themselves to impose “Death Games” without consent of their King. Dozens were slain, including some who weren’t allowed to complete the game first and many with only a single duh. One who had been double duhhed, yet went on to score a “king’s Penny” win made the mistake of gloating to the crowd and was beaten to death by spectators like a Sanders Democrat at a Trump rally.
The King was so enraged, that upon his return to the stadium, in a spit and stuttered rant forced everyone who had attended the Games during his absence rounded up and forced to become contestants.
When I departed, every vacant bunk was taken by previous Games winners leaving the planet for somewhere else. Rumours abounded that Bluford’s infection had left him unable to produce an heir to the throne and no one wanted to be around should he not survive his next attempt at self-gratification.

Rugged Proven Pickup Quality

If you’re looking for tough, long lasting and proven quality in your next pickup truck, there’s only one brand to consider. As you’ve seen on Top Gear, the indestructible Toy— pickup! Here’s more:
This truck owned by Achmed Mohammed Bin Achmed was struck with $1,400,000.00 worth of guided bombs by an F-18 while on its way to the town market. Rather than simply scrap it, Mr. Achmed took advantage of a Kidney Car credit and donated it through the Carve Out a Kidney While Beheading The Infidel Society and received a goat, three oranges and a loaf of bread.
Within three days, the pickup was back on the road ferrying mullahs to far away schools to cleanse them of females, apostates, dupes and disciples of the Great Satan America. As you can see, the cargo bed is large and even the standard model has sufficient room in the cab to accommodate two ex-Gestapo advisers and forty-seven Zionists in the ashtray.

When you’re looking for a pickup truck consider Toy—, the choice of terrorists everywhere.

Outdoor Wildlife Safety Tips

by Emperor Haile Unlikely
With camping season about to begin, it is time to remember some basic tips regarding the local wildlife you may encounter. While not like Australia where every single creature is poisonous or will disembowel or eat you at the first chance, some here do have habits that can cause a dangerous situation.
Bears
If you encounter a bear do not attempt to cover your hands with honey and take a cute selfie to post on Facebook. High sugar intake is a problem with all wildlife and the Parks Service does not want to promote type II diabetes among bears.
Wolverines
As you may know wolverines are very aggressive and have sharp claws. The react very badlywhen cornered, so it is advisable if you are camping and need to use the outhouse. peer down into it and make sure there are no wolverines scavenging amongst the muck down there. Should you see one, leave the door open, go around the back and kick the wall three times. That will scare the wolverine and it will run away. Foreign tourists remark on this curious ritual of seasoned Canadian campers so one should explain it to them.
Remind them that should there be a wolverine down there, sitting on the seat will block the light and cause the animal to believe it is cornered. It will use those 6 inch (15cm) claws to tear its way out which may result in serious and embarrassing injury to you.
The Buttsnake
While we’re on the subject of outhouses, even though they are extremely rare and there have been only three recorded cases in history, the buttsnake could present a problem. If you sit on the seat there is an off-chance it will immediately slither into the first warm dark orifice it can find, which may be yours. Although they are not venomous, they must be removed surgically.
Lungsuckers
Living only in the Yukon, Nunavut and Northwest Territories, these rare cow sized beasts are seldom a problem as they cannot and will not enter a tent, cabin or camper. They are only a problem if you sleep outdoors and are stone drunk or sedated, as they are noisy as hell and can’t possibly sneak up on you. They normally prey on dying, badly wounded or incapacitated animals.
The lungsucker leans in and covering the prey’s mouth and nose with it’s huge meaty lips, quickly inflates it large chest and sucks the lungs out and bites them off. Similar to how your intestines blow out if the airplane toilet depressurizes.
Bloodsuckers
I’m not referring to the common mosquitoes or blackflies here, but the Northern Furry Bloodsucker that inhabits only the Southern grassy plains in Saskatchewan and part of Alberta. This weasel sized rodent has the nose of an anteater with a single sharp hollow tooth. It rams it’s prey, takes a quick suck of blood then runs away. Little more than a minor annoyance, the quick jab does hurt and there’s a remote chance if you’re sitting and sunning yourself on the beach it cold hit the femoral artery and you could bleed out if you’re too stupid to bandage or put pressure on the wound.
Pacific Slug
Another minor annoyance, the garden slugs in south-western British Columbia are know to grow to a rather large size and when stepped on with bare feet make such a disgusting mess that a large percentage of victims will involuntarily puke. As will anyone so thick they don’t know the banana slug is only named that because it’s the size and colour of a banana and try to eat one.
Ocean Terrors
Few and far between in Canada are the dangerous inhabitants of the our three seas. Anyone goofy enough to swim in the Arctic Ocean risks being skewered by a narwhal’s unicorn-like horn. In the Atlantic, lobsters usually scurry away but have been known to bite off and consume the fingers and toes of infants or even adults the size of MiniMe.
In the Pacific ocean there is a risk of inhaling and smothering on large jelly-blobs. as yet unnamed because scientists are unable to come up with something disgusting enough in Latin. On the open ocean around Long Beach there have been sightings of Finnish Great White Sharks, a subspecies that enjoys the shock of an occasional cold plunge. The Inside Passage is incredibly safe, only kayakers stoned out of their nuts present a danger. This may change if Conservatives and Albertans get their way and all organic life is sucked through the props and shredded by supertankers.

Shitty things for a shitty day
by Ivor Grossbaum
Hey, look at me! I’m blogging on the intertubes. What shall I blog about?
Did you ever notice how whenever you get really, really busy you suddenly have to take a dump? And if you’re busy and people are waiting for you, it’s never quite as simple as when you have all the time in the world?
All of a sudden there’s no toilet paper. Or there’s like three sheets left, and the supply is down the hall in the store room and you don’t want to waddle all the way squeezing your cheeks together so you don’t get shit everywhere.
Worse, you just know when you get interrupted or hurried that it’s gonna be the messiest dump you ever took in your life! Not just only a little messy like watery diarrhea where you could peel your socks off, wipe and rinse them in the sink. Nah, it’s gonna be all fudgey and stinky like an O-Henry bar left on the dashboard on a sunny day. An umber mass full of peanut chunks and gluey stuff, maybe a few undigested beansprouts that give it a hairy texture.
What do to? Carefully nurture the few sheets of TP in vain as you feel the gummy mass move further up your butt-crack as you wipe. It’s now smeared to the furthest hemispheres of your butt cheeks and left a sepia streak almost up to your shoulder blades.
Lift the ring, sit in the water and use (which hand do those people use again – left or right?). stifle your gag reflex and claw, scrub, scrub. What’s those rocks I feel – damned wilnots! You know those little turd balls that stick to the hairs on your ass and just will not come off.
They’re pounding on the door. “Hurry up we have to go, now!” So you decide to worry about those ochre orbs later, they’re a minor inconvenience compared to turtleheads. Maybe later you can soak the old bunghole with Scrubbing Bubbles, and roll the pressure washer into the shower to blast them off. So off you go, catch up with everyone and feel those granules grind whenever you move. That’s how you got the nickname “Skidmark”.

Jesus, Muhammed and the Buddha visit Planned Parenthood

Excuse me gentlemen, are you sure you’re in the right place? What can I possibly help you with?
It should be the right place. We’re on our way to the steambath and need some coat hangers for our robes.