Northern Chrischun University, still fighting in court for academic accreditation, has announced a seven week course on modern civil disobedience aimed at leadership training for anti-mask, anti-vax, anti-abortion and anti-evolution protest leaders. 10 year old Billy Bassturd, pictured, demonstrates the proper form needed to confront fact, evidence, truth or reality when one does not get their way or is in danger of losing a logical argument. Billy became a child celebrity after winning a civil suit in which the GOP was ordered to pay millions in damages for mimicking autistic outbursts at every opportunity since 2016. Republicans have responded by appointing hundreds of new Judges before they launch an appeal of the decision.
Joe Szchmuck, Floor Supervisor at Smedley Missile Facility is pleased to be back at work after a bout with the fake Covid 19 virus. Szchmuck is convinced he was infected with a secret biological weapon by agents paid by Hillary Clinton in order to spread the conspiracy about the Covid pandemic. Most likely by infecting the cap on his Sputz tallboy bottle at their factory, as it tasted like some German brand instead of like piss water. Friends at Head Office embezzled funds from the worker’s pension fund to purchase a roll-about iron lung so he could continue his vital supervisory job of yelling at and threatening hourly workers. Szchmuck says he now enjoys life, no more intubator shoved down his throat, he never has to get up out of bed, gets spoon fed whenever he wants and even has a nurse to wipe his ass. Just like he expected when he applied for the management position. Smedley Missile expects to have it’s first prototype planned just shortly before the $3 billion government grant runs out.
Welcome to the new look, courtesy of the drooling 400 lb loser in his Momma’s basement who wasted his September hacking a website only three people on the planet have ever seen. Lookit me! I’m BlackHat69 nerd extrodinaire. Ahyuk, hyuck, yuck….. Well chew my root, Gnute. It was time to make it better anyways
Gotta stop posting dining reviews as people seem to take exception to comments like “All the ambience of a People’s Liberation Army mess hall” “If you like Chef Boyardee, this mangiacake attempt at Italian dining is up your alley” “As Japanese as a Honda Accord built in Detroit on a Wednesday” “So loud you know why the millenials are texting their dates across the table” “Calamari is Greek for squid in other places, here it’s a dialect for rubber bands in used motor oil” “I ate there, once” “The ‘flamethrower burger’ was so spicy I could actually taste something“
Recently a lutonium leak on our cruise ship forced to make a temporary stop for repairs at the Kingdom of Putzonia, a minor planet in the Znargh cluster that I hadn’t visited in ten years. Oddly, the only reason I was there the first time was when I was covering the Galactic Conference and our ship was delayed for minor repairs while picking up the Putzian corespondent. At that time, King Bozoid III was facing a huge economic problem, having conquered the entire planet, stuck with a huge standing army he no longer needed and all treasures plundered and in his personal treasury there was no economy to speak of. Cruel, brutal and taher simple-minded Bozoid came up with a rather unique solution. Before we get into that, let me describe the mindset of the Putzonian people. Ruled by Kings and Emperors for thousands of years they are a basically feudal and fiercely loyal society. And did I mention simple-minded? The favorite game of the Bozoid line of royalty and it’s subjects was the simple card game of Solitaire. So much so, there are no other sports to speak of. After his final victory, about one year before I had arrived there the first time the King decided that he would create an economy and reduce his army with this simple game. A grand tournament at the top of 8,000m Razorside Mountain was held in a newly constructed stadium. One by one soldiers were forced to play a hand of solitaire before the gathered crowd. If they won , they were rewarded with an amount the equivalent of a years salary for every point they scored above what the King had set as “par” and dismissed from the army. If they won by over 25 points the amount was doubled in what became known as “the King’s penny” by the audience. Should the player not make par, he was returned to the Army. Shockingly to off-worlders, if the player lost the hand, they were pitched over the wall and slid down miles of razor sharp rocks where their remains er picked over by crows. By the time I first attended this event, the bones and rotted flesh covered up to the 2,000m level. When I asked my hosts at the time how the people put up with such cruelty, I was met with open mouthed astonishment. The King “said”… “those were the rules”… “was i some sort of liberal regressive”… “shut up or you’ll be next”… etc. Questioning the King was completely unheard of and an alien concept to these people. Things had changed upon my latest visit, though not much for the better. I learned the size of the Army had been cut by over 5,000,000 men. About 3.5 million to the crows. King Bozoid III had died in his sleep of Terminal Flatulence and his heir Blupon II had ascended to the throne. Blupon was not only simple-minded, he was actually mentally challenged and a mutant to boot. With one seal like flipper, he presided over Round Two of the Games while slobbering, drooling and talking with a lisp due to a tongue the size of a small dog. Round Two now consisted of basically the same rules, but consisted of those left from Round One and those who volunteered. Death for those who lost their hand was not mandatory, it was now a program to distribute wealth and weed out the “stupid” from Blupon’s remaining army. If a player made the slightest mistake during play, sharp eyed spectators would rise in their seat and point at him, screaming “DUHHHH!!!” at the top of their lungs. The King would then stand and acknowledge the duh, and after a second duh the king had the discretion to make it a “Death Game” where the player was shot in the back of the head or garroted should they lose. Blupon is known to be inattentive and let things slide, often a third duh is required. Realize the immense pressure on a player to not make any mistakes with 35,000 people pointing at you and screaming “Duh”, “Fool”, “Kill Him” at the top of their lungs! At the time of my latest visit, Blupon had been ill with an infection from self-gratification with his flipper hand and the crowd had taken it to themselves to impose “Death Games” without consent of their King. Dozens were slain, including some who weren’t allowed to complete the game first and many with only a single duh. One who had been double duhhed, yet went on to score a “king’s Penny” win made the mistake of gloating to the crowd and was beaten to death by spectators like a Sanders Democrat at a Trump rally. The King was so enraged, that upon his return to the stadium, in a spit and stuttered rant forced everyone who had attended the Games during his absence rounded up and forced to become contestants. When I departed, every vacant bunk was taken by previous Games winners leaving the planet for somewhere else. Rumours abounded that Bluford’s infection had left him unable to produce an heir to the throne and no one wanted to be around should he not survive his next attempt at self-gratification.
If you’re looking for tough, long lasting and proven quality in your next pickup truck, there’s only one brand to consider. As you’ve seen on Top Gear, the indestructible Toy— pickup! Here’s more: This truck owned by Achmed Mohammed Bin Achmed was struck with $1,400,000.00 worth of guided bombs by an F-18 while on its way to the town market. Rather than simply scrap it, Mr. Achmed took advantage of a Kidney Car credit and donated it through the Carve Out a Kidney While Beheading The Infidel Society and received a goat, three oranges and a loaf of bread. Within three days, the pickup was back on the road ferrying mullahs to far away schools to cleanse them of females, apostates, dupes and disciples of the Great Satan America. As you can see, the cargo bed is large and even the standard model has sufficient room in the cab to accommodate two ex-Gestapo advisers and forty-seven Zionists in the ashtray.
When you’re looking for a pickup truck consider Toy—, the choice of terrorists everywhere.