Shitty Things

Shitty things for a shitty day
by Ivor Grossbaum
Hey, look at me! I’m blogging on the intertubes. What shall I blog about?
Did you ever notice how whenever you get really, really busy you suddenly have to take a dump? And if you’re busy and people are waiting for you, it’s never quite as simple as when you have all the time in the world?
All of a sudden there’s no toilet paper. Or there’s like three sheets left, and the supply is down the hall in the store room and you don’t want to waddle all the way squeezing your cheeks together so you don’t get shit everywhere.
Worse, you just know when you get interrupted or hurried that it’s gonna be the messiest dump you ever took in your life! Not just only a little messy like watery diarrhea where you could peel your socks off, wipe and rinse them in the sink. Nah, it’s gonna be all fudgey and stinky like an O-Henry bar left on the dashboard on a sunny day. An umber mass full of peanut chunks and gluey stuff, maybe a few undigested beansprouts that give it a hairy texture.
What do to? Carefully nurture the few sheets of TP in vain as you feel the gummy mass move further up your butt-crack as you wipe. It’s now smeared to the furthest hemispheres of your butt cheeks and left a sepia streak almost up to your shoulder blades.
Lift the ring, sit in the water and use (which hand do those people use again – left or right?). stifle your gag reflex and claw, scrub, scrub. What’s those rocks I feel – damned wilnots! You know those little turd balls that stick to the hairs on your ass and just will not come off.
They’re pounding on the door. “Hurry up we have to go, now!” So you decide to worry about those ochre orbs later, they’re a minor inconvenience compared to turtleheads. Maybe later you can soak the old bunghole with Scrubbing Bubbles, and roll the pressure washer into the shower to blast them off. So off you go, catch up with everyone and feel those granules grind whenever you move. That’s how you got the nickname “Skidmark”.