Outdoor Wildlife Safety Tips
by Emperor Haile Unlikely
With camping season about to begin, it is time to remember some basic tips regarding the local wildlife you may encounter. While not like Australia where every single creature is poisonous or will disembowel or eat you at the first chance, some here do have habits that can cause a dangerous situation.
If you encounter a bear do not attempt to cover your hands with honey and take a cute selfie to post on Facebook. High sugar intake is a problem with all wildlife and the Parks Service does not want to promote type II diabetes among bears.
As you may know wolverines are very aggressive and have sharp claws. The react very badlywhen cornered, so it is advisable if you are camping and need to use the outhouse. peer down into it and make sure there are no wolverines scavenging amongst the muck down there. Should you see one, leave the door open, go around the back and kick the wall three times. That will scare the wolverine and it will run away. Foreign tourists remark on this curious ritual of seasoned Canadian campers so one should explain it to them.
Remind them that should there be a wolverine down there, sitting on the seat will block the light and cause the animal to believe it is cornered. It will use those 6 inch (15cm) claws to tear its way out which may result in serious and embarrassing injury to you.
While we’re on the subject of outhouses, even though they are extremely rare and there have been only three recorded cases in history, the buttsnake could present a problem. If you sit on the seat there is an off-chance it will immediately slither into the first warm dark orifice it can find, which may be yours. Although they are not venomous, they must be removed surgically.
Living only in the Yukon, Nunavut and Northwest Territories, these rare cow sized beasts are seldom a problem as they cannot and will not enter a tent, cabin or camper. They are only a problem if you sleep outdoors and are stone drunk or sedated, as they are noisy as hell and can’t possibly sneak up on you. They normally prey on dying, badly wounded or incapacitated animals.
The lungsucker leans in and covering the prey’s mouth and nose with it’s huge meaty lips, quickly inflates it large chest and sucks the lungs out and bites them off. Similar to how your intestines blow out if the airplane toilet depressurizes.
I’m not referring to the common mosquitoes or blackflies here, but the Northern Furry Bloodsucker that inhabits only the Southern grassy plains in Saskatchewan and part of Alberta. This weasel sized rodent has the nose of an anteater with a single sharp hollow tooth. It rams it’s prey, takes a quick suck of blood then runs away. Little more than a minor annoyance, the quick jab does hurt and there’s a remote chance if you’re sitting and sunning yourself on the beach it cold hit the femoral artery and you could bleed out if you’re too stupid to bandage or put pressure on the wound.
Another minor annoyance, the garden slugs in south-western British Columbia are know to grow to a rather large size and when stepped on with bare feet make such a disgusting mess that a large percentage of victims will involuntarily puke. As will anyone so thick they don’t know the banana slug is only named that because it’s the size and colour of a banana and try to eat one.
Few and far between in Canada are the dangerous inhabitants of the our three seas. Anyone goofy enough to swim in the Arctic Ocean risks being skewered by a narwhal’s unicorn-like horn. In the Atlantic, lobsters usually scurry away but have been known to bite off and consume the fingers and toes of infants or even adults the size of MiniMe.
In the Pacific ocean there is a risk of inhaling and smothering on large jelly-blobs. as yet unnamed because scientists are unable to come up with something disgusting enough in Latin. On the open ocean around Long Beach there have been sightings of Finnish Great White Sharks, a subspecies that enjoys the shock of an occasional cold plunge. The Inside Passage is incredibly safe, only kayakers stoned out of their nuts present a danger. This may change if Conservatives and Albertans get their way and all organic life is sucked through the props and shredded by supertankers.