Trump Conference on deficits

So everyone’s concerned about this multi-trillion dollar deficit, no one more concerned than me. Like what kind of absurd extreme leftist thinking has led to the kind of thinking – more than a trillion dollar deficit?
I mean, me, I actually enjoy a good deficit. I feel so much better when I defecate. So much less stress, less gas and be gone with the itchy sphincter. Oh yes Democrats must love that itchy sphincter.
When I was in the White House, I remember many deficits that were great, none of which cost anything let alone a trillion dollars. Well maybe that one that inspired my speech about the water pressure and plugged up the Oval Office plumbing so bad we had to call the White Hose Plumbers out of retirement. It was that old copper plumbing you know, I had to upgrade the whole place with modern six inch PVC, that metal plumbing is no good you see, everyone knows that, metal rusts and degrades with acids and you know all the remnants of Diet Pepsi over the years had degraded it beyond all hope. And the old three inch building standard just didn’t come close to meeting modern needs. Got plugged just from accidentally dropping a staff members toothbrush if you were dipping it to teach them a lesson. Let alone if you’d accidentally swallowed and passed en entire KFC chicken bone like lots of people are prone to do.
And then on top of that, one day before I was cured from the non-existent Covid hoax the deficit had to be the messiest I’d ever seen, three rolls of toilet paper only accomplished spreading it all the way up to my shoulder blades and what the hell, the shower is just a trickle. That enviro-nazi leftist foreign born Democrat Obama had installed some greenie-weenie water saving nozzles. For the President of the USA… the most important man in the world who should be able to shower with Niagara Falls if he so wishes to.
So nominate me as your candidate and so long as I’m not illegally cheated out of another due victory when I’m President, I will make deficits zero again. You will be able to defecate for free, well that is except for pay toilets, you know very well we can’t restrict businesses from their God given right to maximize profits. And of course Biden’s plan to maximize inflation and taxes until toilet paper is $1000 a roll… the man will put a carbon tax on your toilet paper. That’s right. the proof’s right there on Hunter Biden’s laptop. I promise I will even end all problems with Russia by removing sanctions on their Siberian trees used here to make toilet paper. And order prices held by Presidential order to no more than a dollar a square.
And I will put my foot down on those extremist crazies that call to end all deficits, you know they’re welcome to bind their own guts into knots but I will protect the nation’s health by not forcing you go blind.
Thank you and God Blast America.